Discovering myself.

I once happened to know a boy in his early teenage, cluttered hair, big deep eyes, soft voice and an innocent face. Brought up in different regions of Himachal, all he knew about life was to accept things as they were put in front of him. I really doubt if he had ever heard of words like confront, challenge, deceive, resist or even reason. His actions suggested that never had the thoughts like me, I, my life, etc. had crossed his mind. Just tell him that it was your fault and he would be ready to be rebuked. Just tell him to let go and he wouldn’t give it a second thought. Just turn up to him for any favor and the answer could never have been negative. He took life literally, if his dictionary said friend is someone who should be helped, there was nothing that could stop him from helping a friend (can’t be sure of the tag) not even any significant personal loss. If his moral sciences book said elders are to be obeyed, he wouldn’t simply obey but follow them like a slave. He had no ambitions what so ever, no goals to achieve, nobody to compete with, no expectations from anybody. I bet that if for once you would have gazed into his silent eyes, you would have felt the sincerity of his personality. People praised him for his innocence, his honesty, his naïve attitude, his compassion, his calmness, his obedience and what not…………….. The same group of people, behind his back, would point out at his foolishness, his imprudence, his stupidity, and his materialistic failures. I am sure that in today’s time even I would laugh at any such person and tag him as an under achiever, as nothing more than a disappointment. He was proved to be an idiot on many occasions, he was betrayed, and at times he found himself crying all to himself for his agony despite of making so many friends, despite of leading such an idealistic life.

Today he is ambitious; he is leading towards the destination he seeks, a destination that would bring success, money, respect, social status. People look up to him with expectations, he finds himself in a league of people who have taken the first step towards a glorious life, his parents are proud of his achievements, he has a huge social network of friends and relatives, his life today portrays a perfect college lad, he does things that every other striving individual would do and is rather better than many of his competitors. His definition of a friend has changed into more of a business like relationship, he seems to be honest but you can’t distinguish between what he is true about and what is just a deception. He seems to be a high flier but I can’t be sure of the legitimacy of those heights. Yes, some things are missing; some things have been lost forever. No more shall you find that innocence in his eyes, gone is that compassion from his actions, his eyes still remain to be silent but that silence swathes’ emotions that were once sinister for him…… And now when I ask myself who is a better person that kid or this young lad, I don’t have an answer.

Sorry if I bored you with some heck of philosophy, but I just felt like penning it down………………. sb

Numero Uno

Numero Uno


Finally when I m on with this piece of writing, I still don’t know what people might expect from my blog but yes one things’ for sure I have never penned down my heart or even mind in a formal way so do not expect me to be a very meticulous writer.

Numero Uno, when did I first feel my heart thumping beyond normal..?? Was it the month of September, which year, oh yes I was in class ninth so it has to be 2004. Shimlaites ever heard of a place called dhanda, I guess not, it’s a small place about 10kms from summer hill. Once me n my family had been there to attend a ‘pooja’ at my fathers’ colleagues’ ancestral place. People do grow up by the time they are in ninth standard, specially this generation; I was more of a kid than a teenager then. All I can recall of that night is not the ceremony, neither the huge kothi (ancient big houses in himachal) nor the traditional food but a reflection, a faint image which I could catch hold of may be for a few seconds. At times I still can see that girl clad in black suit, those ring shaped earpieces faintly visible from amidst her loose hair falling over to just below her shoulders, those artistic shining eyes, that gentle smile of hers just made me forget that it is very awkward to stick your glance at some pretty girl in a party that too when u r with ur parents. So was it then that I felt my nerves failing me,,, hell no.

Six months later, my father decided to get a degree in law. 23rd February ,2005 in Shimla winter was at its peak, we(my family) were headed for a lunch at my fathers’ friends place whom he had recently met in his LLB classes and guess where his place was, Dhanda , of course. I just don’t know how or why but I knew I would definitely come across that girl again that day, or may be that I just wanted it to be like that, but I could really reeeeally feel something inside me going berserk (now don’t take it literally). We got there at around 1 o’clock. After a few greetings and a small chit chat with aunty and uncle I n abhi bhaiya (their son) went to the garden n talked about things that sounded sensible,, coz at times stuff like beta kya padoge,, kya banna hai,, bahut mehnat karna n all can get a bit too boring. A few minutes past 2 o’clock and aunty called saying Abhi, Naina is back come and introduce Sumeet. Naina, as I had found out by then was Abhi bhaiya’s younger sister who had gone for her tuitions was an year junior to me (though she studied ICSE, so she was same age as me ;)) and trust me I m not goofing up here, call it intuition, but when aunty called us in something just happened; I was finding it hard to move my feet, I somehow didn’t feel the presence of Abhi bhaiya around me, for a few seconds I felt like I wasn’t moving in but the ground under me was, jaisa movies me dikhate hain vaisa hi sab kuch ho raha tha… and ………. she was there, I didn’t even have to take a complete look at her to tell that it was the same girl, that black suit and that smile just flashed In front of my eyes and I don’t know how I was on the outer side I mean my appearance , may be a stunned expression or a pale face but within I was blank, I couldn’t feel my heart beat, I can’t say if I was breathing or not, if my eyes were closed or were they staring at her, did everyone else present out there notice my state of reverie or not,, but yes within I was sinking deeper and deeper……………. “Hi!! I m Naina!!”, we shook hands. Whenever I think of that day, I can still feel that touch. I had a perception that when I first would meet that special girl everything would go topsy-turvy, my heart shall race against the clock, but when it all happened all I remember is feeling absolutely nothing.

Thanku if u could get this far…………………. Sb.